My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
