I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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