Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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