I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
