Four minutes until I can fart!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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