It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
