Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
