I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
