I wish I could teleport
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
