Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is her dick bigger than yours?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
