The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
