I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
