You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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