I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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