Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
