just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you made out with another girl for some wings
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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