My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
