Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
