Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
