Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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