this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
