Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
