I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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