I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you inspire me to be a worse person
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
