I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
