i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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