Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
