I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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