I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
