someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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