I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
