Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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