I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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