Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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