Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
