Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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