Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
