I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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