You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
