Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Omg I joined a choir last night...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
