i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
