My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
