am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
