Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There r osticjed everywhere
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
