You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
