You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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