Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
