There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
