3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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