we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
